


How to Annoy Your General

by ShinigamiKnox



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Cheesy pick-up lines, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Established Relationship, Genderfluid Kylo, Hux is so done with Kylo, It's pertinent for all of one line, Kylux - Freeform, Other, Some nice fluff at the end, because why not?, transmale hux
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-08
Updated: 2016-08-14
Packaged: 2018-08-07 13:36:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7716760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShinigamiKnox/pseuds/ShinigamiKnox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A crack fic of genderfluid Kylo Ren using cheesy pick-up lines to seduce (?) transman Armitage Hux on the <em>Finalizer</em>. Hux doesn’t get paid enough to deal with his annoying(ly sweet) partner. It’s a good thing they're handsome.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I still have another page, at least, of pick-up lines for the second chapter, but if you have any you want to see, by all means, leave 'em in the comment section.

Hux had been on the bridge taking a look through the systems before him, as he did every day cycle, when he saw the dramatic dark cape swish in his peripheral. Hux didn’t acknowledge him, even when he felt his presence right behind him. He figured Ren would just do his usual brooding, watch-him-over-his-shoulder thing then leave when he got bored.

Instead, he heard a loud ‘thump’ behind him. Almost…like a large, broad-chested body covered in superfluous black robes hitting the floor. With a long, exasperated sigh, Hux turned to find his partner sprawled out on the durasteel floor.

“I’ve told you time and time again, those robes will be the death of you,” Hux just shook his head, crossed his arms, and enjoyed the result of what he thought was Ren tripping over his excessive clothing.

“Hux, Hux,” Kylo said as he reached up for Hux’s uniform. He let the fabric of Hux’s jacket slip through his fingers repeatedly, like his fingers weren’t working properly. Hux made no move to help him up.

“Sorry, General,” Kylo looked up in adoration, “I can’t seem to hold on. I’ve already fallen for you.”

Hux didn’t deign Kylo’s actions worthy of a response. Hux amazed himself with his resistance to kick Ren’s vulnerable torso. He did, however, make a point to step over Ren while he continued to grab for Hux’s uniform.

“Hux, wait. Wait.”

Hux didn’t know what possessed him to actually stop and turn around.

“Would you grab my arm so I can tell people I’ve been touched by an angel?” Kylo grinned and held out his arm.

With another long, exasperated sigh, Hux stepped back towards Ren, who was grinning like a fool. Kylo actually thought he would take his outstretched hand, maybe help him up. He should have known better.

Hux gave Kylo a swift, hard kick to the middle of his torso before turning on his heel and retreating to his office.

 

Hux really hoped that had been the end of it. Surely Kylo had learned his lesson. Boy had he been wrong. Kylo was just getting started.

Hux was in his office sifting through datapad after datapad when Ren burst into his office.

“Hux! Hux, there’s something wrong with my commlink.”

“Lord Ren, there is a tech division three levels down.”

“No, it’s nothing major. It’s just that it doesn’t have your number in it.”

“Ren, may I remind you, all of the commlinks are programmed with my extension number in them. If you need to get ahold of me for important matters, there are other ways to do so.”

“Oh, hey. Is that a mirror in your pants?”

“What?” Hux set the datapad in his hand down a little too roughly.

“I think I can see myself in your pants later on.”

“Kriffing hell, Ren, get out of my office.”

“Fuck me if I’m wrong, but you want to fuck me, right?” Kylo inched towards the door. He heard the hiss of the door closing behind him just as Hux threw the closest object he could reach that wasn’t a datapad. Kylo heard the glass cup shatter against the wall through the durasteel door.

It became a daily occurrence, much to Hux’s dismay. These silly lines were delivered without any provocation. Hux had no warning other than the heavy footsteps that brought along a promise of another one of Ren’s lines.

It didn’t matter where Hux was, Ren seemed to always have something to say. The most embarrassing was when Ren decided to do so in public. It was fine that he was making a fool of himself, but to drag Hux down with him was preposterous.

“You must have been one hell of a thief. You stole my heart from across the room!” Kylo decided to shout from the other side of the bridge. Hux could only pretend he didn’t hear him. All of his workers were trying not to bring attention to it, but Hux could see even Unamo tensing up.

Ren seemed to take that as an invitation to make his way over to Hux. “Oh, hey, you dropped something.” Kylo bent over as if to pick something up off the ground.

Hux did look. It wouldn’t have been so unusual for a stylus to have fallen to the ground, especially with prankster Ren around.

Before Hux could realize there was nothing there, Kylo glanced up with a grin and said, “It’s just your standards.”

“Did you find your dignity while you were down there?” Hux responded before turning his attention back to the screen in front of him. “Must have dropped my standards to end up with _him_ of all people,” Hux muttered to himself. Mitaka laughed nervously, unsure of whether Hux wanted to be acknowledged.

With Ren’s retreating footsteps, Hux distinctly heard Ren’s voice in the back of his mind. _’When the galaxy made you, it was just showing off.’_

Even _after_ they had started kissing, Ren just didn’t stop. “Your eyes are blue, like the ocean. And sweetheart, I’m lost at sea,” Ren broke off the kiss to say.

“My eyes are green,” Hux responded in a deadpan voice.

“And what beautiful, green eyes they are. They say the eyes are the mirror to the soul. You must have one beautiful soul.”

Hux actually barked out a laugh. “A beautiful soul? Oh, stars, Ren, I needed that laugh,” Hux feigned wiping tears from his eyes. “We’re already sleeping together, why do you see the need to try these…absurd one-liners?”

Kylo shrugged. “It’s how you show someone you care.”

“Kylo.” Hux dropped his head forward and placed his hands on either of Ren’s shoulders. “No. That’s not—No.”

“Does it bother you?”

“If I said yes, would you stop?”

“Maybe.”

“If you could contain it to just us, that’d be splendid.”

“Of course, Hux.” With that, Hux was appeased. He pulled Kylo back onto his lips.

 

Of course, looking back on that conversation, Hux really should have noted Kylo’s tone. Kylo was not one to do anything ‘quietly,’ especially if Hux asked him to. When Mitaka rushed over to inform Hux that Kylo was looking for him, Hux assumed another console had been finished off by Ren’s lightsaber. After following Mitaka halfway across the ship just to find Ren on the floor, once again.

“Hux! I’m choking; I need mouth to mouth, quick!”

Hux breathed deeply and exhaled slowly. “Mitaka, I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t bother me with Ren’s ridiculous antics.”

“I apologize, sir. He threatened—“

“I’m sure he did. And I assure you, I can do much worse than Lord Ren.”

“Yes, sir,” Mitaka said with his head lowered.

“Before you go, allow me to tie your shoes. I wouldn’t want you falling for anyone else,” Ren said from his knees.

Hux used his boot to push Kylo back onto the floor. He kept his shoe firm on Kylo’s chest. “My _boots_ , as I’m sure you’re well aware, do _not_ tie. They zip. I’m certain I won’t be falling for anyone else. I have my hands full with you.”

“What are the chances that we engage in anything more than just conversation tonight?”

“If you keep going, we’ll most definitely be engaged in a fight.” Hux brought the tip of his boot up against Kylo’s jugular, twisting to press the outside of his sole across Kylo’s neck.

“You’re really leaving me breathless here,” Kylo choked out.

“Sir, it wouldn’t be in your best interest to murder Lord Ren,” Mitaka said anxiously from beside Hux.

“I wouldn’t murder him. The Supreme Leader would have my head,” Hux explained calmly without looking away from Ren’s reddening face. His hands grasped at Hux’s boot but he wasn’t pushing back hard. “I’m merely bringing him within an inch of his life.”

“General—“

“You’re dismissed, Lieutenant Mitaka,” Hux said in a clipped tone. Mitaka ran from the scene as if his life depended on it, and it may very well have had. “Are you quite finished?” Hux returned his gaze to the red face under his boot.

“For now,” Kylo responded when the boot on his neck lifted enough to allow him to. Hux, sure that Ren was too winded to follow, removed his boot and returned to the bridge.

 

Hux was enjoying a nice glass of Corellian whiskey alone in his rooms when Kylo pulled up the other chair in the room.

“I’d love to go inside _your_ wine cabinet and pull myself out a stiff one.”

Hux grabbed a second tumbler and poured him a generous amount. “The only stiff one you’re getting tonight.”

Kylo took the glass then held out his hand. Hux looked over but didn’t offer his hand in return. “My name is Kylo, just so you know what to scream later,” Ren said with a grin. “Or better yet, you could just call me lover.” He took a sip. “You certainly bring a new meaning to the term ‘edible.’ “

“As opposed to the traditional cannibalism definition.”

“As long as I have a face, you’ll have a place to sit.” Kylo grinned.

“All right then. You’ve gotten to the inappropriate lines. Well, they’re all inappropriate. These ones are downright crude.”

“You’re certainly on top of things. Can I be one of them?”

“Unless you meant locking you away so you quit disturbing my ship, no.”

“I like every bone in your body, especially mine.”

“Kylo. No. That’s not how it works. Your penis doesn’t have a bone in it. That’s such an awkward phrase.”

“I’m not drunk, but I’m intoxicated by you.”

“Oh, that one’s not _completely_ terribly vulgar.”

“Do you have a name or can I just call you mine?”

“I don’t know if it was the obscenely sexual lines or I’m just getting a tolerance for your absurdity, but they’re actually becoming, dare I say, _charming_.”

“If you were a blaster, you’d be set on stunning.”

“Now, Ren, that’s just rude. I’m much more effective at killing than a stun blaster.”

“My bedroom has a very interesting ceiling; would you like to come see?”

“Ren, your rooms are just like everyone else’s. Although the ceiling is by far more intriguing than your face.” Hux down the rest of the whiskey in his cup then the remaining of Kylo’s drink. “Come on, then. You won’t be able to give me anymore of those lines with your mouth otherwise occupied,” Hux said with a resigned sigh.

“Just keep in mind, it’s the motion of the ocean, not the size of the boat,” Kylo said as he chased after Hux.

“I’ll reluctantly vouch that you have both.” Hux glanced back to see Kylo’s shameless, happy grin.

 

Meetings were the worst. Hux came to dread these meetings, whether Ren was present or not. When Hux asked for questions at the end, if Ren _was_ present, he would raise his hand. Hux learned quickly that it didn’t matter if Hux ignored him or not. In fact, if Hux _did_ ignore the man-child, he would just shout louder.

“I was wondering if you had a moment to spare for me to hit on you?”

“No,” Hux said curtly, moving onto another officer with real concerns.

“Is it hot in here or is it just you?” the officer asked. The poor girl looked so alarmed and confused. “I-I… Sir, I didn’t mean—“ She squeaked out.

“Lord Ren, do _not_ use the officers to convey your own personal agenda,” Hux said with a sigh. “You may be excused. I’ll talk to you in my office after we’re done here,” Hux said in a dismissive tone to the female officer with her hand over her mouth. She looked sickly pale as she sprinted from the room.

“Wow, do you have a sunburn or are you always this hot?” Ren took the opportunity to say.

“We’re done here. Everyone’s dismissed. Lord Ren, feel free to _drop dead_.” Hux left without another word.

 

Later on in Hux’s office, towards the end of his shift, Ren decided he had time to tease the general some more. “What time do you get off?” Ren asked. It was an innocent enough question, or Hux thought it had been.

“The same time I usually do, Lord Ren.”

“Can I watch?” he asked smugly.

“Watch..?”

“Would you allow me the honor of watching you get off?”

Hux wished he had left about three minutes sooner.

“Or, if you like, I’ll treat you like your work. I’ll slam you down on the desk and do you all night long.”

“That is highly unsanitary. I have everything on my desk organized, please do not wreck the order.”

 

Even on the surface of Starkiller, Hux’s ‘happy place,’ Ren found a way to ruin the cold, isolated base. In an act of unusual tenderness, Ren put his arms around Hux from behind him. He had to admit, that broad chest of Ren’s did have its uses, like keeping him warm.

“You look cold. Want to use me as a blanket?” Ren murmured close to Hux’s ear. Hux just ignored him. If he didn’t get a rise out of Hux, he wouldn’t keep doing it, he thought. Instead, Ren took it as an invitation to continue. “The only reason I would kick you out of bed would be to fuck you on the floor.”

“Ren, the floor would be cold. That would be a terrible idea.”

“I might go down in history, but I’d rather go down on you.”

“What’s stopping you from doing both?” Hux really didn’t want to move. Ren’s body was providing Hux’s poorly circulated body with much needed warmth. It was also one of the few moments they had completely alone outside of either of their quarters.

“I never need to see the sun again because your eyes light up my world.”

“That’s fortunate. We’re absorbing the sun’s energy in a couple days.”

“If I was a sith, would you be my Force?”

“Ren. You are a Force user. You _have_ Force abilities.”

“If it weren’t for the creation of suns, you’d be the hottest thing created.”

“If that’s how you feel, in a couple days, I’ll be the hottest one in a fifty lightyear vicinity.”

“If stars would fall every time I thought of you, the sky would be empty.”

“Why are you doing this?”

“If I received a credit for every time I saw someone as beautiful as you, I’d have one credit.”

“How do you have so many of these?”

“If I could reach out and hold a star for every time you’ve made me smile, I’d hold the galaxy in the palm of my hand.”

“That’s physically impossible. And you don’t smile that much,” Hux saw the need to remind Ren.

“If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep through the day cycle.”

“ _Regretfully_ , I have work to do, Ren. I cannot sleep through my shift.”

“Your lips look lonely. Would they like to meet mine?”

“If I kiss you, will you stop?”

“One way to find out.”

With a long sigh, Hux pulled Ren’s arms loose so he could turn to kiss his soft, full lips.

“So, there you are. The man of my dreams,” Kylo broke off the kiss with a surprisingly soft smile.

“Ironic. You’re the person in my nightmares.”

“It’s not my fault I fell for you, you tripped me.”

“I don’t need to trip you. Those robes do the job for me.”

Hux heard Ren’s quiet laugh. “There must be something wrong with my eyes. I can’t take them off of you. You must be a magician. When I look at you, everyone else disappears.”

“Are you quite done? Surely you’re running out of these foolish lines.”

“I can make you breakfast in bed. How do you like your eggs, cooked, fried, or fertilized?”

“Lord Ren! You ought to be aware whatever _eggs_ ,” Hux said with utter contempt, “that are still in me have been all but rendered completely useless from the testosterone.”

“Wait, I’ve got one of my one.”

“Really?” Kylo pressed a soft kiss to his lips.

“Was your father a smuggler? Because someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.”

This time, Kylo was the one to stomp away, much to Hux’s relief.


	2. Chapter 2

Hux had thought _that_ had been the end of it. Surely Kylo wouldn’t keep on pestering him after that. Surely he wouldn’t have had any more of those silly lines left in his arsenal. After weeks, he was lulled into a false sense of security.

That was the last thing on his mind as the damned pilot and traitor Stormtrooper escaped on a stolen TIE fighter. Hux had been walking down a corridor with Kylo Ren in tow when the entirety of the _Finalizer_ trembled from the action going on in the nearby hangar. It was almost enough to knock both the general and the Knight off their feet.

“Was that turbulence or did you just rock my world, general?”

“Is now really the time?” Hux yelled back at him.

“Well, you are on my list of things to do tonight.”

“Kylo Ren. You’re lucky I don’t shove you in an interrogation room myself. Keep you locked in there for hours.”

“As much as I’d love that, I’d much rather be in your bed.”

With a loud groan, Hux took advantage of another tremor through the corridor and knocked Kylo into the wall.

 

“Do you believe in love at first sight or do I need to walk by again?” Kylo murmured on his way by Hux on the bridge. He was still watching the clean-up of the escape of the Resistance pilot and FN-2187.

“Ren, not now.”

“But Hux, I’m feeling a little off. Would you mind turning me on?”

“Do you not see the commotion this has caused? Do you _really_ think now is the time for this nonsense?”

“Let’s commit the perfect crime: I’ll steal your heart, and you steal mine.”

“Good luck with that, Lord Ren.” Hux said, walking away with loud, annoyed groan.

“It’s a shame, I couldn’t be a heart donor. You’ve already taken my heart!” Kylo called after him.

“Even _you_ have to admit that one was _terrible_ ,” Hux called over his shoulder.

 

When Hux finally was able to pry himself away from the reports of the stolen TIE fighter, the damage it had caused to the hangar, and the betrayal of the Stormtrooper, he grabbed a quick, light dinner to take back to his room. With it being so late, he was sure no one would bother him on his way to his room.

Of course, Ren was already dressed down and reading something off of a datapad on ~~Hux’s~~ their bed.

“Most people need three meals a day to keep going. I just need eye contact from you,” Ren said without looking up.

“I’d love to see you try,” Hux muttered tiredly.

“You bring a new meaning to the word _edible_.”

“That sounds very unappealing, if you think about it. Are you suggesting cannibalism?”

Kylo put the datapad down on the desk next to Hux. His hands ran along Hux’s shoulders, almost massaging the tense muscles near his neck. “I’m jealous of your uniform,” he murmured close to Hux’s ear.

With a long, resigned sigh, Hux asked reluctantly, “Why?”

“Because it gets to touch you all day shift and I don’t. Say, could I talk you out of it?”

“Talk me out of what?”

“Your uniform.”

Honestly, by now, Hux wasn’t surprised. Really, he’d succumb to this little game his partner insisted on playing. It was becoming oddly charming, sort of similar to Ren himself. There were worse things Ren could be doing. At least he spent most of his time trying to come up with these, perhaps he’d be too distracted to cause any uproar.

“If you sit down and don’t say another word, I promise to make it well worth your while.” Hux felt the hands on his shoulder withdraw and footsteps return to their bed. Ren kept quiet and allowed Hux to eat in peace.

 

His officers were used to hearing and ignoring Ren, much to Hux’s relief. It was much less embarrassing when it appeared no one noticed Ren’s advances. Of course, he wasn’t ignorant enough to think they didn’t talk about it, but as long as he didn’t have to hear the talk, he could at least pretend it wasn’t happening. It was a system that worked. Any new guys learned quickly not to pay Ren any attention.

However, after the girl escaped and Kylo ran to Snoke for guidance, Hux took advantage of the situation to hold it over Ren’s head that he chose to take the girl instead of the droid. He couldn’t help the smirk on his face as he did so. Perhaps Snoke would favor him now.

“Wow, general. That’s a nice sneer you have. It’d look better if that was all you were wearing,” Ren said, clear as day, with Snoke right there. Hux, for the first time he could remember, was rendered speechless, caught between berating Ren for being so inappropriate and defending himself to Snoke.

“Supreme Leader, I apologize—“ Hux started once he found his voice.

“General!” Snoke said louder to drowned Hux’s voice out. He appeared…amused? “You hadn’t informed me of Ren’s proposal.”

“Sir?” Hux said weakly.

“Surely my apprentice’s advances have come to fruition. He expressed a desire to form an intimate bond with you.”

“Yes, sir,” Hux admitted sheepishly.

“Good, good.” Snoke nodded. “We’ll discuss this more, at a later time. You’re both dismissed.”

 

“It’s no wonder the sky is black today, all the stars are in your eyes,” Kylo said as he stood next to Hux in a room on a planet Kylo had already forgotten the name of.

“Kylo,” Hux said with yet another long sigh, “The sky is full of clouds. It’s not as if the stars aren’t there.”

“I’m no holographer, but I can picture us together.” Kylo ran his hands over Hux’s shoulders and down his arms. Pressing his front against Hux’s back, he wrapped his arms around Hux’s waist. “Actually, Hux, I have something to get off my chest.”

“Please, oh, please tell me it’s just your shirt.”

“No, it’s just—“

“I don’t want to hear another one of those pitches. I can and will leave you on this Force-forsaken planet.”

“Marry me.” Kylo swayed slightly back and forth, swaying Hux with him.

“If, _if_ , I say yes, will you _stop_ the kriffing pick-up lines?”

Kylo pretended to think about it for a long while. “I suppose there will be no need for them if you’re all mine.” He pressed a kiss to the back of Hux’s neck then nuzzled against the back of his head.

“Then yes. I must be utterly insane, but yes. _Don’t_ make me regret it.”


End file.
